Tension

It has been so tense here at the house.  K is being an ass.  I'm getting the cold treatment...have for over a day now.  You would think I have bad body odor the way K leaves the room when I enter it.  I don't really know how to handle it or how to react.  I want to just get up and leave, but right now I'm just uncomfortable here.  The kids are fine though.  I'm just hoping to get us out of here soon.

Arg

I wish there was a simple solution to this living arrangement.  A moody roommate is no fun, especially one who doesn't want you around.  I think, ok, I know, K is tired of us being here.  I try to give as much space as is possible, but when I don't have a room of my own, its kinda hard to hide out.  I'm not complaining, I'm happy to have the couch, but is hard to give space without any.  I think we are gonna venture out of the house tomorrow.  I'm fighting the impulse to pack what little stuff we do need and head to the city.  I'm supposed to go tomorrow for my support group, and I just don't know if I'm ready to make the moves I will have to make for us to go just yet.   Hmmm.

Standstill

Seems like things are at a standstill.  I feel fairly good.  I lack motivation.  I am still afraid to go in public.  It sucks when I have to go, but that is about my biggest nuisance since the med switch, and that was there before.  Crossing my fingers for the move, a job, or something.  Christmas is coming and I want to do alright by the kids too.

I'm just trying not to stress while I'm waiting on a couple of things to happen.  Keeping my head up though.  The kids have kept me busy.  Yesterday we went to one of the nature preserves closeby and walked.  It was nice.  Not much else going on right now.

Avoidance

I've been avoiding this blog, kinda like the people who have the link are standing right here.  Not like avoiding talking about what is going through my mind is going to make it go away.  This blog kinda reflects some of what is constantly circulating through my mind.  Some of the stuff just doesn't make it to this blog.  And some of it will make it here either after I figure it out or after it is no longer a part of my life.  I am going through some things now that will make it up here later, but not just yet.  I guess that is where I really wish I could afford my counseling next week.  Some things only get said in the presence of my counselor. 

On another note, I may have found a roommate, but have to go through the background check and all.  Can't be too cautious.  But maybe something good has come our way.

I don't wanna

...do this, that or the other.  I am lacking motivation.  Of course, I'm getting it done, but so dragging.

CAPPA If you would only change your perspective on what a miracle is, you'll notice that they are all around you!

Brain Droppings

So comes the question of going on disability and try school full time or to try and work, go to school part and manage my mental illness.  I wish I could handle work full time and school full time and kids full time but there just isn't enough time in a week.  Money is tight and will stay that way for a while.  I just have to figure something out.  The estranged spouse wants me to consider moving back to the city and living together...not sure about being together...financially it would help. Sanity wise, well, I just don't know.  There were/are a lot of changes that need to happen before we can live together again.  We have a child together and I would love to see it work out for that reason, but a lot of other major issues need to be addressed first.  So as for now, that isn't even an option.  I could stay right where I am in the small town where my middle child's other parent is--where we are now, but I can't swing tuition here and there are better mental health resources available in the city.   I'm pretty much sold on going back to the city, it's just a matter of when and how.  We left our life there because I was afraid I couldn't make it, and hell, I'm still afraid I can't make it.  I think it's time I pick up the pieces and get our family back in shape and on our own.

Headaches Since Starting Topamax

I thought it was odd that I had headaches as I started Topamax...to prevent my migraines.  A constant near-migraine is worth not having a migraine?  I also have a lot of tingling in my hands and feet as well as sodas tasting like baking soda water.  Here is what I found others have said about their side effects.

Topamax maybe causing headaches?? - Migraine - Headache - HealingWell.com Forum

Made it Through the Weekend

Birthday party and Halloween squared away.  Now it is time to figure out the next move.  Seriously.