Pushing Through the Burn

The last couple of days have been painful.  I got nowhere with Dad. Maybe he is gone out of my life but I can't sit here and worry about it. I spent a lot of time alone the last couple of days.  I am feeling boggled down by my illnesses and am trying to see the path out.  The next few months are going to be extremely rough, with new beginnings.   Some options seem down right scarey.  Starting from the bottom with the children and no second parent to be there.  Thankfully they are small and so resilient.  Today is my middle child's birthday.  SD hasn't the first present, but thankfully isn't old enough to set high standards for the big day.  There will be a party in a couple of weeks.  That brings me some relief.  I'm sure my expectations are much higher than SD's.

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I have a new friend, J.  J is bringing me a world of, wow, energy for one.  I hope my mess and I do not bring J down.  J seems very strong.  Maybe a good friendship wouldn't be a bad thing.  Maybe an end to all of this isolation.

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I am rebirthing me.   Personal growth and rebirth is akin to the pregnancy, labor, delivery and post-partal period.  With all of that and a normal pregnancy for a normal mother there can be tremendous emotional growing pains, not to mention the pain of actually giving birth.  Personal transformation comes with joys and with tears.  One thing that helps with the birth of a child is a plan.  In the birthing world it is called a birth plan.  In the rest of the world we call them goals and contingencies.  Of course, the ultimate way to decrease fear and pain is through education.  The more a mother knows what physiological events are transpiring as she is birthing, the less fear and anxiety.  I'm going to have to do the same for myself.  I have a fairly good idea of the inns and outs of my diagnoses.  I do need to get my plan going.  What are my next steps?  What are my goals for the next couple of months and how am I going to attain them?  How do I keep my children from suffering my ups and downs?  The rebirth of me is an event that takes a lot of heart, a lot of courage, strength and support.  I'm working on pulling that all together currently.